What it Means to “Find Yourself”
I’ve heard people say that they’ve found themselves or are working on it. But, what does that actually mean? I’m sure there are lots of hot takes, but let’s go with an OG source: the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Its listing for this phrase succinctly states that to find oneself means “to learn what one truly values and wants in life.”
So, what is it that you want? This broad, open-ended question aims to serve as the north star of our lives. We often hear people say “happiness” is what they want. And no offense to those people (believe me, I want that too), but that’s a cop-out, non-answer. As author Mark Manson notes, happiness isn’t a goal or something to be obtained. It’s temporary and can be inhabited as a side effect of life experiences.
Mapping your vision to your values
I do think the first part of that definition we just read (“what one values”) informs the second (“what one wants”). What I value informs what I want. This is exactly how successful businesses operate: they have corporate values and base their entire vision on it. Everything they do maps back to those values. The same should apply in our personal lives. For example, if I value honesty and authenticity then I want relationships with friends and family members that are honest and authentic. If I value a hard worth ethic, then I want a career that I feel motivated and inspired by to work hard at every day.
Our values are always-on. It takes consistency in practicing those values to have those honest, authentic relationships and motivating career. Those things aren’t “achieved” once. Happiness will emerge in particular moments throughout, but it’s fleeting. There will be ebbs and flows.
When adversity fuels a reset and reframing of those values
Without those dips, happiness means nothing. Right? As writer Harlan Ellison has prolifically said, “…For without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty…” We’ve often seen people credit their their extreme heights of success or new outlook on life to adversity they previously faced. Hitting rock bottom or having a traumatic experience (getting fired from a job, losing a loved one, ending a relationship, suffering an illness, etc.) encourages a new perspective.
I know this personally because I was only forced to reexamine my life outlook after going through a surprising and difficult marriage separation which ultimately ended in divorce. Something I never imagined I would experience, nevermind in my early-mid 30s. It’s moments like these that you’re suddenly and subconsciously catapulted into “finding yourself.” Everything I thought I knew was being challenged. Not to be a living cliché, but if you’ve ever seen “Eat Pray Love” or “Under the Tuscan Sun” then you get what I mean.
No, I didn’t need to change who I was in terms of being kind, empathetic, and ambitious (as I would describe myself then and now still). I needed to rethink what I wanted in life. The values I always believed to be important remained. But I wasn’t living them daily.
I value empathy but had an unempathetic partner, and I had let that slide. What else was misaligned? I found that I value career ambition but wasn’t challenging myself or taking risks in my job any more. So I resigned and started a new job, after being with the same company for over a decade. Yes, my failed marriage was the catalyst for this journey, but there was so much I needed to re-examine: my career, my relationships, how I spent my time.
Three tips for progressing on your journey of self-discovery
Like most, I can’t say I’ve found myself, but I have made progress. And here’s what’s been helpful to me along the way:
- Pausing to recognize where I am and am not living my values (and therefore not mapping to what I want in life). It’s easy to tell yourself you are, but when you actually pause and think about it, those connections might not be as clear as you had assumed. And you can’t redirect without knowing you’re veering off track in the first place.
- Writing for self-reflection. I don’t keep a journal consistently. But I do keep a notebook in my nightstand drawer and occasionally jot down thoughts, ideas, and feelings. This might be twice a year or twice a month. When I do it, it helps. Putting pen to paper and seeing the words seems to make them matter more. It also forces me to focus on them without getting distracted by other, irrelevant thoughts creeping in.
- Taking alone time. This might be going out for a walk, a run, taking a quiet bath, spending a Friday night in just reading or crying while watching a rom-com. Renting an AirBnB for a weekend change of scenery and exploring some trails. I personally have not gotten into meditation but unsurprisingly, have heard it can do wonders. Whatever your solo activity is, embrace it. To find yourself, you need to know yourself. And to know yourself, you need to be alone to feel your feelings.
I admit that I don’t practice any of these three things nearly enough. So I write this as a reminder for myself and anyone reading this that “finding oneself” has accelerations, pauses, and even declines. If you’re committed to the journey though, you’ll progress in the right direction. It might look like “Eat Pray Love,” or it might just look like everyday life. As long as you’re moving forward, that’s all that matters.
